(photo by Peacebang)
I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point in my recent adult life I seem to have lost Christmas.
I've always been a Christmas Keeper. Love, love, love everything about this season: the cold and rain, the special foods, baking cookies, tree decorations, ALL the house decorations for that matter. I open up those Christmas boxes, and it's like greeting old friends to see such favorite things. I love shopping for - or making - the perfect gift, wrapping it in beautiful paper, placing it under the tree. I love the urgency and expectancy. I love singing Christmas carols and going caroling. I love Christmas music! I've got at least 50 Christmas CD's, quite an eclectic variety, and I'd play 'em all year if I could. I love singing in a choir, and in my Quartet, and I love going Christmas caroling. I love sending out dozens of Christmas cards, and receiving dozens more. I love cheesy Christmas movies on TV, maybe even more than the classics.
I love the Advent Festival (formerly known as "the hanging of the greens", but then we thought, what if the Green family were to come? the poor dears!) at church. I love the story of the birth of the baby king who would grow up to change the world and all of us. I love the candlelight service on Christmas Eve, especially the very last part when all the lights are turned off and the candles are lit from one person to another, and soon all the candles are lighting up every face in the church while we sing - I try to sing - "Silent Night" through my tears.
I love it all.
Yet it is December 19 and I am sitting in an apartment bereft of Christmas cheer, save a small pile of cards on the table and a Costco wreath on the door. I'm just not ready to DO it yet, and I don't know if I will be at this rate. I have not had a Christmas tree in my house since 2005. In 2006 I was too depressed. Last year, I had just started a new job and was too overwhelmed. This year... well, there are excuses I could use - had the surprise privilege of taking part in the Clay House sale, which really ate up the first half of December. The season has been short this year, too; just 28 days between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Money is really tight, being under-employed and just barely making ends meet (or not), so shopping is o-u-t of the question. But that's not it - or, at least, that's not the whole problem.
It's a lot of work to get Christmas out of those boxes. Put away the regular stuff, clean, tidy, put up the decor, step back and admire. But then what? I live alone... Truth be told, there is little actual pleasure in this sort of thing when there is no one to enjoy it with you. And I'd love to have you over, I really would, but there just doesn't seem to be room for a party. Not to mention... putting it all away again once January comes rolling in.
And then there's Advent. I count myself among a small minority who prefers to honor Advent - in church, at least - by not rushing Christmas before it's time for that baby to be born. To my frustration, I have not really come into the spirit of Advent the last few years, either. There has been little enthusiasm in it for me at my church for a while now. And without Advent, how can one enjoy Christmas? I don't know. I just feel as if, by insisting on putting Advent first before Christmas in my personal celebration, in these past few years I've missed both and end up somewhat empty-handed and empty-hearted when Christmas comes around.
I need... a new way to do this. Here's hoping for Joy to be found in this journey.
I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point in my recent adult life I seem to have lost Christmas.
I've always been a Christmas Keeper. Love, love, love everything about this season: the cold and rain, the special foods, baking cookies, tree decorations, ALL the house decorations for that matter. I open up those Christmas boxes, and it's like greeting old friends to see such favorite things. I love shopping for - or making - the perfect gift, wrapping it in beautiful paper, placing it under the tree. I love the urgency and expectancy. I love singing Christmas carols and going caroling. I love Christmas music! I've got at least 50 Christmas CD's, quite an eclectic variety, and I'd play 'em all year if I could. I love singing in a choir, and in my Quartet, and I love going Christmas caroling. I love sending out dozens of Christmas cards, and receiving dozens more. I love cheesy Christmas movies on TV, maybe even more than the classics.
I love the Advent Festival (formerly known as "the hanging of the greens", but then we thought, what if the Green family were to come? the poor dears!) at church. I love the story of the birth of the baby king who would grow up to change the world and all of us. I love the candlelight service on Christmas Eve, especially the very last part when all the lights are turned off and the candles are lit from one person to another, and soon all the candles are lighting up every face in the church while we sing - I try to sing - "Silent Night" through my tears.
I love it all.
Yet it is December 19 and I am sitting in an apartment bereft of Christmas cheer, save a small pile of cards on the table and a Costco wreath on the door. I'm just not ready to DO it yet, and I don't know if I will be at this rate. I have not had a Christmas tree in my house since 2005. In 2006 I was too depressed. Last year, I had just started a new job and was too overwhelmed. This year... well, there are excuses I could use - had the surprise privilege of taking part in the Clay House sale, which really ate up the first half of December. The season has been short this year, too; just 28 days between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Money is really tight, being under-employed and just barely making ends meet (or not), so shopping is o-u-t of the question. But that's not it - or, at least, that's not the whole problem.
It's a lot of work to get Christmas out of those boxes. Put away the regular stuff, clean, tidy, put up the decor, step back and admire. But then what? I live alone... Truth be told, there is little actual pleasure in this sort of thing when there is no one to enjoy it with you. And I'd love to have you over, I really would, but there just doesn't seem to be room for a party. Not to mention... putting it all away again once January comes rolling in.
And then there's Advent. I count myself among a small minority who prefers to honor Advent - in church, at least - by not rushing Christmas before it's time for that baby to be born. To my frustration, I have not really come into the spirit of Advent the last few years, either. There has been little enthusiasm in it for me at my church for a while now. And without Advent, how can one enjoy Christmas? I don't know. I just feel as if, by insisting on putting Advent first before Christmas in my personal celebration, in these past few years I've missed both and end up somewhat empty-handed and empty-hearted when Christmas comes around.
I need... a new way to do this. Here's hoping for Joy to be found in this journey.
1 comment:
It's been a rough few years for you, Kath - I have faith you'll find your way back to Advent and Christmas. You will probably do it differently than you did in the past, but different can be a good thing! I'm one of those who just lumps Advent and Christmas all together -- I figure it's the anniversary of Christ's birth, not the ACTUAL birth, so it's ok. Maybe not liturgically correct, but it makes me happy.
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